Quest for Self
by but-the-clouds
Summary: Ultimately this story will be about a fictional bond between Daryl and Sophia. The first few chapters are sort of "catch up" chapters. Daryl has a back-story and everything. So anyhoo, the better summary is inside. READ! thanks :
1. Chapter 1

_So I haven't written a story in FOREVER annnd, well I decided to write one. I really should be writing a 10-12 page paper on Samuel Beckett and Jean Genet, but whatevs!_

_Anyway, here's the tale of Daryl Dixon, cuz obviously no one writes any stories about him, so I decided to take this opportunity. Haha...I'm a dork. Ignore me._

_So, this is an alternate story about the search for Sophia. In this story it further explores the relationship between the child and the weird redneck, and his desperation to find his first and only friend._

Chapter One: The Begginning

There was something weird going on in the nursing home that day. Daryl walked from work to visit his mother, something he made sure he did every day. God forbid Merle ever take five minutes to visit his own mother. Whatever! Anyhoo, some of the nurses seemed to be sick with fever.

Then, out of friggin nowhere, this motherfucker came staggering toward him. Blood seemed to be pouring out of every pore in his face. Daryl was stunned at first. The guy didn't look like he should be alive! Out of reflex he grabbed the guy by the head and snapped his neck. He was immediately shocked by his own actions, and stumbled back a bit, trying to control his breath and plan out a way to explain the situation should someone walk in on him at the moment. He was quick tempered, like his brother...but he would never kill anyone for no reason. Especially not a sick person, so why did he do this? He just murdered someone…or so he thought at the time. He started to fear himself in that moment.

"Daryl," said a voice from behind him. Daryl didn't register anyone was talking to him at first, so he didn't respond.

"Daryl!"

"What?" he turned around and saw Nurse G, who was probably the nicest woman he knew besides his mother. He immediately felt bad, but couldn't seem to form words to apologize, because...well...Daryl's just terribly socially awkward...and he just killed someone. So, he mumbled an almost inaudible, "Sorry...", and a slightly more audible, "I- I think I just killed someone."

"Daryl, I have to make this quick. I have a fever. I'm not going to make it much longer. Something's going around and I'm not sure what. That sick man over there was one of our staff. He got bit by...I can't really explain it. We're trying to keep everyone as safe as possible. We quarantined the elderly as best we can in the dining hall. They said on the news that something has been going around. Some sort of virus."

"What are you talking about?"

"There's been an outbreak of sorts. It started in Washington D.C. A few days ago. Have you seen the news?"

"I don't own a T.V."

"Well, people have been talking about it."

"My brother and I were out on a hunting trip this weekend."

"Ok, honey. Well, it seems like people are dying and coming back to life from this virus. Only, they're not coming back complete. Their basic motor functions are there, but everything else is gone. Their only driving force to live, it seems, is to feed. Honey, there's no time to explain. Just get your mother, and get her out of here. Make sure you don't get bit. That's how the infection will start."

Daryl nodded and started to go, but turned around. As soon as he did he realized that the sick man (that he was so sure he'd just killed) miraculously got back up and started stumbling towards Nurse G.

"Run, Daryl! Just Run!"

And Daryl did. He ran toward the dining hall which was padlocked shut. He'd have to get something from home to open it back up.

He quickly turned around and ran toward the front door. Before he opened it he saw the most horrific site out the window...Some dude, just as bloody as the sick staff man, was attacking a mother and child. Only a few feet away, some guy was trying to bat another man away with a steel baseball bat. Across the street, there were three of these crazies trying to break into a store. A strong sense of urgency alerted Daryl that he needed to get his mother and leave as quickly as possible. He had to find Merle and get as far out of town as possible.

Daryl, hesitantly, opened the front door and made a run for his car. Dead bodies were littering the street. How did this all happen within the 10 minutes he was inside? How did he not notice this as he was coming home from work? How could this all be happening so fast?

As Daryl was running to his car he could see one of the maybe ten dead bodies on the street start to get right up. Daryl speed up his place. His car was still at the parking lot of the auto shop where he worked down the street. As he was running up the block he saw Merle coming toward him.

"Merle!"

"Daryl, get your crazy ass back in the auto shop! We're grabbing our stuff and leaving here."

"Yeah, but we have to get Ma out first."

"We're getting out of here Daryl, I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Fuck off Merle! You go 'head. Get your selfish ass out of town. I'm getting Ma!"

"Suit yourself, you son of a bitch!"

Daryl was really not that shocked by Merle. He knew his older brother was a selfish coward, but he had no time to argue. He had to get to his car and drive back to the nursing home to get his mother.

_ "Boys! Come in here, it's dinner time!" called Gayle from the kitchen window. Her boys were outside trying to fix their father's car. Benjamin Dixon died only three days ago from alcohol poisoning. It was a sad time for the Dixon family, but there was a different air about the house with her husband gone. Things seemed to be a lot calmer and quieter. Her 22 year old son, Merle, was probably the most devastated. He idolized his father in a number of ways. He was Ben's golden child, and he was continuing the family auto shop business. Daryl, on the other hand, was a disappointment to him. When he was younger, instead of going outside for hunts or to learning how to fix cars, he would sit inside and read. That would result in a lot of emotional abuse from his father. Eventually, when Daryl was around 12, his father started hitting him in addition to calling him a worthless pussy. Gayle would try to intervene when she could, but often times she would get hit instead. Daryl, always being the protective one, stopped her from intervening between the spats he and his father got into. He never wanted his mother to be hit because of him. It wasn't right for his father to hurt her at all._

_Gayle was a victim of Ben's drunken abuse for years to that point. She couldn't help but stay with him because Ben wasn't all bad. He had his good moments, but when he was bad, it was brutal. Gayle was honestly scared to leave him because who would protect her baby then?_

_ Daryl was a child who just wanted to draw and read books sometimes. He didn't have the natural brutality of his father or brother. Eventually, though, Daryl found the need to prove something to his father. When he was thirteen he started to take more interest in hunting and learning about cars, hoping that would make the drunken beatings and harassment less frequent...which was true for a while. But then Daryl started noticing that since his father had less reason to beat him, he turned back towards his mother. So, Daryl started to rebel a little...by being better. The better he became at hunting, the more jealous his brother and father were of him. The better be became at repairing cars, the more customers at the shop would tip him. This also made his father envious. So, his father told him when he was 14 or 15, "So you think you're so smart, huh? You think you're a smart bastard, aintcha? Well, if you're so smart you probably don't need school then, huh? From now on, you pompous prick, you're working for me."_

_ "But Dad..."_

_ "Oh, and if you keep up with you're smart ass mouth of yours, don't expect me not to discipline you!" _

_ "You're the prick," Daryl mumbled._

_ "What? What did you say to me?"_

_ "You're the prick, DAD!"_

_ SMACK!_

_ Daryl stumbled from the punch to the jaw. His father then grabbed his hair, which was long back then, and pulled him up._

_ "I'm not your father, you fucking bastard."_

_ "W-what?"_

_ "Oh, I'm sorry," he spat out sarcastically, "You've never been informed? You're a son of a whore! Your bitch of a mother cheated on me with another man, and guess what? He's dead now."_

_ That was news to Daryl...and it made a lot more sense. But, he made the decision then that he had no choice but to listen to his "father" and stop coming to school. Daryl was devastated by it, but if that kept Ben away from his mother, then he would do it. Of course, the principal started calling the house, eventually. Daryl's mother told the school that she was taking him out and homeschooling him. However, Ben kept Daryl at work as much as possible, and Daryl began to become more secluded. He soon stopped talking altogether._

_ That all changed the day of Ben's death. Daryl said his first word in four years at his funeral. He walked silently up to the casket and said, "Good riddance, you son of a bitch", and walked out._

_ Anyway, today his mother watched lovingly at her sons working together outside. When she called in for them for dinner, Daryl finally noticed how hungry he was._

_ "Daryl?" Merle spoke for the first time in hours._

_ "Yeah Merle?"_

_ "It's good to hear you talking again, brother."_

_ Daryl smiled and lightly punched his brother in the shoulder, "Shut up, Merle."_

_ The boys walked inside where there mother was waiting with a pan of meatloaf in her mitted hands._

_ "Smell's good, Ma," remarked Daryl, giving his mother a kiss on the forehead._

_ "It's so good to hear your beautiful voice again, my darlin'," Gayle replied with a smile. She set the meatloaf down on the kitchen table and wiped her hands off on her apron that was covering her jeans._

_ "Alright, now eat!"_

_ During that first year or two they were one happy family again...but after that year Merle started drinking and getting into drugs. Daryl thought it was because with his father gone. He got a lot less attention, and with Daryl now talking again, their mother was doting on him whenever she could. Daryl was sure that this kind of hurt Merle, and assumed that was the reason his brother turned to whatever he thought he could depend on and get his mind off things...hard drugs and alcohol. His temper got shorter and his personality was more brutal. There were often times Merle almost started throwing punches at his own mother. It was Daryl, obviously, who protected her and made sure she never received a single punch. Daryl knew this wasn't the real Merle. He was in there somewhere. This was just the side of Merle that was his fathers...and it only came out when he was using._

Eighteen years have gone by since then. It was ten years ago that their mother contracted Alzheimer's at the age of 58. She was so young. Ever since then it has been Daryl that visited and took care of her. Daryl was never able to go back to school and just stayed home to help with the auto shop and take care of his mother.

Daryl, even though he knew Merle was probably using at the moment and paranoid out of his mind, still couldn't believe that he just left. He left without even a "good luck".

Fucking Bastard.

Eventually, Daryl was able to get to the car and drive it back to the nursing home. Luckily his gun was in there and he shot whatever got in his way. By the time he got back into the nursing home it was a scene from a horror movie. Not one of the staff that wasn't quarantined was alive. Some weren't zombies yet, but from what Daryl saw, he knew they would be, so he shot every walking dead thing he saw.

When he finally got to the dining hall he broke through the padlock and got to his mother.

"Ma? It's Daryl."

"Merle? I need to get out of here. I need some fresh air."

"No, Ma. It's Daryl. Listen we need to get to the car and run. You think you can do that?"

"Oh, Daryl. I'm sorry, baby."

"Ma. We have to leave! Now."

Daryl didn't wait for her to answer. He just hoisted her over his shoulder and started to run towards the street. As the walking dead things approached he shot them before they could get any closer. Quickly he realized just shooting anywhere wasn't affective. He had to shoot them in the brain.

Once he got his mother in the car, Daryl put the petal to the metal and zoomed out of there as fast as possible.

The first twenty minutes of driving wasn't so bad, but the scene was bringing him close to tears with panic. Once he got on the highway, however, it was backed up. It became pretty clear that he was getting nowhere fast. It was evident that they would have to camp out there during the night. But it wasn't long before one night turned into two nights...and three nights. By the fourth night they weren't making much progress. It seemed like everyone in the state was on the freeway. They must have made a mile in progress, but that was about it. Everyone was going toward Atlanta.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the Reviews**

Chapter 2:

It wasn't long before Daryl caught up with Merle on his motor bike. It took a bit of convincing on Daryl's part (as they were riding alongside each other in dead-stop traffic) to allow him to put his bike in the trunk of Daryl's pick up and to ride with them. The only reason Daryl agreed was because his mother scolded him on letting his own brother suffer in the heat. Gayle sat in between her two sons and was happy as a bear with honey despite all that was going on in the world today. They had been in bumper to bumper traffic before they even hit the highway. They had seen people kill other innocent people out of frustration and panic, and nothing more. They had seen people get sick and come alive again on the road.

Finally there was word coming that whatever refugee center had been set up in Atlanta was either no longer there, or was no longer accepting people. It boggled Daryl's mind that the closest safe haven was closed or overrun after only two days. Some people were starting to go back to wherever they were coming from, turning their cars around. Some, like Merle and Daryl, decided that this was the beginning of the end. Whatever they had in their past life was no longer important and not worth going back to. All that mattered now was surviving, and in this world, surviving meant running.

When nightfall was near, Daryl turned off the car, took the keys out of the ignition, and shoved them into his pocket.

"What are you doing, Asswipe? Now we don't have air conditioning or the damn radio!"

"Merle...we're wasting fuel...and I think we have to abandon ship."

Merle thought for a bit and pursed his lips.

"Fine, but we ain't abandoning the car. We can take that exit over there...it will turn into Laker's St. Then there's a winding dirt road that will lead into a quarry. It should be good enough for camp."

"We should tell the others," replied Gayle after a few minutes.

"Right, Ma," Daryl said in response, thinking her remark was one of her random comments about whatever was going on in her lost mind.

"No, Daryl...we need to find whoever is willing to follow and set up camp until we decide what to do next."

Daryl and Merle just sat still in their seats for a minute, shocked by the incredibly lucidness comment.

"Plus, it'd be fun. It would be like going on a camping trip and meeting new friends!"

"Ok, Ma..." Daryl smirked, then cleared his throat, "Alright, I'll talk to someone and tell them to spread the word.

Wasting no time, Daryl hopped out of the truck and looked around. It was dusk and there were people sitting on top of their cars, eating sandwiches. He scanned the area, searching for someone who looked "leaderly"...someone who can take the take charge, because hell if Daryl was going to do it. He knew he wasn't the type to take charge of a group of people. Not that Daryl was much of a follower...he was more of a loner, or an "I'll-do-my-own-thing-how-I-want-to/when-I-want-to" type of guy. He didn't have to look very long before he spotted a dark-haired, police-type….Perfect. Policemen are natural born leaders, right? He headed over to said Policeman who was talking to a woman with very short hair. She was holding the hand of a little girl, and Police-guy had his arm around a small boy, who he could only guess was his son (Daryl would discover later that the kid was, in fact, not his son). There was another beautiful woman there. She had long brown hair, and was probably the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen...but very thin.

As Daryl hastily made his way over to the group he ran through a thousand ways to approach the subject of finding safe ground to these strangers. By the time he got there, he wasn't able to think of a smooth way to open, so he just cleared his throat and the group turned around to face him.

"My brother and I are going to set up camp near a quarry a little ways away. Come if you want," Daryl said, awkwardly. With that he turned to go, leaving the group dumbstruck by the odd way this man they had never seen before approached them. It was the cop-guy who called out after him.

"Wait! Where is this place?"

"Take the exit for Lakers St. Follow that to a dirt road. It will lead up to a clearing. Spread word if you want. It's a pretty big clearing."

Daryl turned again, but was stopped once more.

"What's your name, man?"

"Daryl Dixon."

"I'm Shane Walsh...we really appreciate this."

"We'll be leaving in 10 minutes. My brother is just going to find a way around the cars. We're not waitin for anyone, so if you're not following us...it's not that hard to find."

There ended up being about 25 people in camp, including Daryl, Merle, and Gayle. The Sheriff guy came with the pretty lady and her son, there was the short haired lady and her daughter, her husband that Daryl could already tell was quite the asshole, some old dude who drove a Winnebego, an overweight black guy, an exotic looking woman of African American descent, two blond sisters, a Spanish guy with his wife and two kids, an Asian kid, a scruffy, sad looking man that seemed to keep to himself, and a few other people still coming in.

Everyone was setting up tents and some were starting to make fires. Daryl set up a tent for his brother while he went hunting...although Daryl was pretty sure that Merle only intended to get enough food for him and his mother, which was pretty selfish. To remedy this, Daryl decided that the next morning he would go out with his crossbow and try to find a deer for the group. He understood they were all in this together for now, and he didn't want to start any hostility within the group so soon. Basically, hunting for a big meal for the group may just prevent everyone from jumping on his back to be more involved. He figured as long as he did his part for the group, they could give him and his family some space in return.

However, his mother had other plans. Once he was finished with Merle's tent, he started on the tent him and his mother would share. While he was doing this, his mother started chatting up the whole group while they were busy trying to set up camp, and set up dinner. He turned to retrieve her while she was seemingly flirting with the old guy who owned the RV.

"C'mon, Ma. You can make friends at dinner," he mumbled, barely enough for the old guy to hear.

"She's alright, young man. The name's Dale," said "Ol' Gandolf", sticking out his hand for Daryl to shake. Daryl just ignored the gesture, not caring to make friends at the moment.

"Gayle and Dale! Maybe we're soul mates!" Gayle joked, eliciting a chuckle from Dale.

"Perhaps."

"I'm sorry my son is so rude. He's not around people much. Ever since his father died, though-"

"MA!" Daryl shouted, annoyed at the old woman, and pissed that she would even bring up his father or lack thereof, to a complete stranger.

"It's alright, son."

"C'mon!"

Dale was struck by Daryl's rude abruptness...something he didn't expect from someone kind enough to lead a mass group of panicked people to a safe haven of sorts. Daryl, in that moment, put Dale on edge the same way that Ed, Carol's husband, made him wary. On the days spent on the road, he could hear him screaming at his wife from five cars behind for most of the traffic jam.

Dale's nerves eased a bit as he saw the young man put an arm around the older woman and letting her lean on him in a lovable, protective way.

"You can't just go wanderin' off, Ma. You'll give me a heart attack!"

"That doctor Brinsky is such a charming man," Gayle said, referring to Daryl's pediatrician as a child. Apparently that's who she thought Dale was.

"Yes, he is, Ma."

"Don't tell your father, though. He'll beat the living shit out of me."

"I don't think you have to worry about Dad. He's never going to lay a hand on you again."

"Where is he, Daryl?"

Daryl paused for a minute. Should he tell her? Now? Would it hurt her?

"He's on vacation."

"Oh, I see….are we on vacation, too?"

"Yep. Yeah, we are."

Daryl led her back to the tent and set her on the cot with a bowl of canned fruit that he brought.

"Ma, promise me you won't leave. I gotta talk to 'the man in charge' about gettin' food for the group in the morning."

His mother was too interested in the food in front of her.

"You hear me, Ma?" he asked a bit louder. She looked up at him, smiled, and bowed her head back down and focused on her meal. Daryl took that as a sign of acknowledgment and walked out of the tent.

He scanned the group for that Shane-guy and found him with the pretty lady and the kid. He was setting up a tent for the lady and noticed that he had his own, separate tent. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

"Hey, Daryl! Dude, thanks again for leading us here," Shane said, with a smile. "I haven't introduced you, but this is my friend Lori Grimes and her son, Carl."

Daryl did not even look their way. He just kept his eyes trained on the cop. Again, no real interest in making friends.

"I'm gonna hunt in the morning for food for everyone. I can't guarantee that I'll find anything great. Ya'll better be satisfied with eating squirrel or rabbit."

"That be great! Thank you so much, Daryl!" exclaimed the Lori lady. Her son scowled at the thought of eating a squirrel. Daryl successfully hid a smirk at Carl's reaction. He reminded Daryl of himself when he was younger. "You've been really nice."

Lori touched his arm to show some appreciation, but the touch scared Daryl in a way he couldn't explain. He wasn't used to anyone besides his mother show any form of appreciation or affection toward him, so he…well, he kind of overreacted. He swung his arm out of the way and backed off.

"Watch it, lady!"

Later that night Daryl had rounded up some trout for everyone to eat. Some blonde, the older of a pair of sisters, offered to go with him.

"I sure could use some time out to fish. The women are going to start laundry, and personally…between you and me…I haaate laundry. Worst chore ever," she said. But Daryl showed no interest in sparing company.

"I rather do it alone if you don't mind," he mumbled, but turned back a few seconds later and said…, "Hey, would you mind looking after my mother until I get back? I don't know where my brother has gone off to."

However, Daryl knew very well what his brother had been doing for most of the day. He was sneaking off into the woods and taking whatever drugs he had in his stash.

In fact, Merle didn't come back until the survivors were sitting around the campfire telling stories. He came in singing loudly and swinging a bottle of whiskey in his hands.

Great, so now he was drunk and high.

Daryl just ignored him because he didn't seem to be causing any trouble for now. He just went straight into the tent.

"Oh, Merle," Gayle sighed, "Such a beautiful voice."

"Ma, Merle never could carry a note in his life," Daryl whispered. Apparently those around the campfire heard and laughed. Daryl cleared his throat and blushed at the little attention his mother had brought to their direction. Daryl looked around and noticed a little girl staring at him. She was the daughter of that abusive drunk, Ed who reminded Daryl of his own father (which only made him want to kick Ed's teeth in even more). The kid was looking at Daryl and smiling, but when she noticed him looking back, she averted his gaze. Daryl felt bad, knowing he and his brother kind of scared children away. Not to mention, Daryl was awkward enough around adults. Kids just scared the shit out of him.

"So, Daryl, it's your turn. Tell us a story," said a girl named Amy.

"I don't have no stories."

"Yes you do, honey. What about the time you went hunting and saw a chupacabra?"

With that the whole camp burst out laughing. Daryl felt the blood boil in his head and up to his ears.

"Ma, no one wants to hear that story."

"No, Darlina…why don't you tell our new friends about your chupacabra. How you ran your pansy ass out of the woods, screaming like a little girl afterwards," said a voice from behind him…He turned to see Merle, joining him on a log.

"It ain't nothing, ya hear?" shouted Daryl, violently tossing a twig into the fire and getting up to stomp in the other direction. However, Merle was quick to grab him by the back of the neck. Daryl could have fought him, but not wanting to start anything in front of their mother and the new group, he let his brother force him back into a sitting position.

"You tell that story, now," said Merle. "Mama wants you, too."

The whole camp was too shocked to say anything as they watched the exchange, except Ed who was drunk and laughing, whispering to Carol (inaudible from most of the group), "He treats him like a little bitch! He just takes it! What a fucking Moron!"

"Maybe he just doesn't want to start a scene with anyone," Carol whispered back. Her husband shot her a glare and she shut up afterwards and averted her gaze from Daryl. Sophia, however, kept her eyes glued on the man.

"He really doesn't have to say anything," said Andrea, always one to stand up for those in need (fitting, 'cause of being a lawyer and all), but Daryl didn't need anyone to stand up for him. He was not going to let the camp think of him as a pussy, but he was struggling to keep down his temper for his mother's sake.

"No, no, no! I'm sure he'd be glad to tell the story, Princess!"

Shane didn't like where this was going so he spoke up, "Merle, I think it's about time you go in your tent. Get some rest."

"I'll go to bed when I want to, Pops."

"There's no need to start anything," he replied, calmly. Merle just laughed.

"Who makes you, boss-man?"

"Merle, I'm warning you…"

"You're warning me, what?" Merle shouted standing up, suddenly. Daryl stood up with him and grabbed the man across the chest and began to lead the man away from the group.

"Whatchu tryin' to do, Darlina?"

"Merle, now's not the time or place. You wanna start something, you start it with me, 'kay? Away from the camp!" he said sternly. He was leading Merle back, and for a while he let Daryl do it because he was in such a high/drunken haze that he couldn't really tell what was going on. Finally, he realized where he was being led to and he pushed Daryl off him and then threw a punch at him in the face. Daryl stumbled backwards and fell on his ass, but was aiming to get right up. Merle would have none of that, however, and he kicked him in the ribcage.

Shane, who had been watching with the rest of the group, got up just before Merle was winding his leg back to kick his brother. By the time he made his way over, Daryl was trying to catch his breath and make his way back onto his feet. Shane looked at Daryl and could tell that the man could probably hold his own in most cases, but Merle was an exceptionally big guy and highly intoxicated. Luckily, with his police training, he was able to sneak up on the man and force him into a chokehold.

Daryl walked up to Shane and got close enough to whisper in his ear.

"I can handle my own brother. You ain't gotta get involved."

"Sure, man. I'm just trying to prevent things from gettin' out of hand."

"Tell you what…I'll take care of my brother, keep him under control, you go and play follow the leader with the rest of the group," Daryl spat, bending down to take his brother by the arm as Shane released him from the chokehold and dragged him back to the tent. Shane just stood there watching him in astonishment.

"Yeah, ok man. Whatever you say."


	3. Last Update

Quest for Self….

I know some people have been asking about this story, and while I would love to continue, the simple truth is that I lost inspiration for this story. I recently got a very kind review, asking me to continue, which prompted me to reread what I wrote two years ago. Having read halfway through the first chapter I realized that A) it was horrendous and B) I lost the inspiration to continue. I am not up to date with The Walking Dead, but I hope to (maybe) start a new story one day soon. I hope those of you who were kind enough to read and review, will read my next story when/if I write it. Thank you so much.

~but-the-clouds


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